Home Robo-Bums (Seriously, You Need More Than That?)

Robo-Bums (Seriously, You Need More Than That?)

It’s one thing to understand the coming robot apocalypse. It’s one thing, that is, to acknowledge and accept the fact that robot overlords (or “roboverlords”) will calculate the location of, and then crush out of existence, our fragile human souls with their gigantic titanium pincers. That we expect. That is inevitable. But this? This is too, too much.

Robot vagrants, ladies and gentlemen, robot vagrants, are rattling and humming along our streets, beeping and booping and sticking their little metal clamps into the faces of old ladies and children. The implication is clear: You give me your change and I don’t tear your face-meat off.

In an article on Singularity Hub, Peter Murray woefully underestimates the seriousness of the situation, not to mention the irritation that will surely follow from a robot reeking of acetone booting up error messages as he follows you down the street calling you “brother.”

Murray lists three robots specifically designed to bum money off hardworking meatbags, probably for Robo-Night Train parties in some dustless, over-lit basement on the bad side of the industrial park.


The robots in question are Don-8r, DONA and Gimme. They are all designed to badger you for cash. Because if, like mine, your town is running a deficit of meth-ravaged, retiree-menacing stink-pots lurching down the street, you’ll be comforted by the realization that with just the swipe of a card you could send half a dozen whirling floor-polishers careening into a food court.

Of course, it works too. They always work, don’t they? Don-8r made over $40 panhandling for about nine hours. That’s when the cameras were on.

When the cameras shut down and the lights go out, it does dark and they go berserk.

“Excuse me, sir? I ran out of gas and I need to make it back to my pod before our Global Domination and Human Extermination Meeting. Can I borrow five dollars? I promise I’ll pay you back . . . IN BLOOD! Ahahahaha! Beep boop beep.”

(And no, I’m not going to tell you the names of the humans responsible for these sickening perversions of God’s natural law. For one thing, I doubt they even exist. I think they were created as fronts for the Robot Agenda. If not, they are collaborators and do not deserve human names.)

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