The Consumer Electronics Show (CES) starts January 8, and as usual it, there will likely be all sorts of news about some truly unbelievable products: UltraHD televisions? Come on. 3D printers? Yeah, right. Like that will ever happen. 

But in 2013, you can forget all that. The most amazing news at this year’s CES will come from a company called Extraterrestrial Technology (no, really, that’s its name): Say hello to the QuantumVet TriCorder Plus, which promises to diagnose and heal your pet through the power of a “quantum computer” unlocked by your smartphone. Apparently, the device claims to downloads a cure to your pet’s brain.

No, really, that’s what it claims to do. 

The company has purchased booth space at CES to show off its wares. But ReadWrite has been unable to reach company executives for comment. According to Google, ET’s address maps to a Post Office branch in Honolulu: Calls to the company were picked up and presumably relayed by an answering service. Unfortunately, we haven’t heard back.

How Extraterrestrial Technology’s Tech “Works”

As described on its website, though, the company’s “technology” is a gold mine of pseudoscience. As best we can determine, Extraterrestrial Technology is a business that was formed by the Zurich Alpine Group (ZAG), a private humanitarian medical research group that has been working “cooperatively and quietly” around the world to develop a “radical new quantum information technology.” This technology, according to the company, has been developed to counteract the “toxicity” in which chemical-based medicines interact with the human body.

But here’s the real innovation:

“ZAG understands that quantum problems require a quantum solution and has found a way to transfer bioinformation from its quantum computer via quantum teleportation to the brain, also a quantum computer, to reprogram the brain to effect positive medical changes within the body and mind,” the company says. “These technological advancements have thus given birth to the world’s first downloadable medicines.”

So basically what happens is that the company’s technology connects your brain (or in this case, your pet’s brain) to a remote quantum computer owned by the company, which downloads the requisite medicine directly, reprogramming the target brain to heal itself – without any side effects.

Mind = Blown

One possible concern that leaps to mind is how patients can be assured that the information being downloaded is legitimate, and not the product of a malicious hacker armed with his own quantum computer. You can’t be too careful. ET itself warns that users should “beware of impostors.” (Good advice, we think.)

Fortunately, there is a solution. Extraterrestrial Technologies has developed a Portal Access Key, or PAK, that securely facilitates the transaction. This PAK is essentially a “dose” of the downloadable “drug.”

Normally, ET would download this information directly to your brain, allegedly curing all sorts of diseases. After all, the site mentions there are about 170 different possible cures in all, including a common cold vaccine, quantum weight-management control, as well as the unfortunately named “Heaven’s Gate” aphrodisiac

For your pet, however, you’ll need a special solution: your smartphone, tablet or PC. With the QuantumVet TriCorder Plus, ET promises that you can download PAKs to your portable device (prices start at $30 for six PAK doses).

ET even offers step-by-step instructions: 

  1. Open a portal with the purchase of one or more QuantumVET Portal Access Keys (PAK) via your cell phone (also PC, laptop or tablet) from the company’s
  2. Data then teleports from a remote quantum computer to your pet’s brain, also a quantum computer.
  3. QuantumVET then accesses your pet’s neural network to run a diagnostic of what is causing your pet’s symptoms.
  4. QuantumVET then accesses the necessary master programs to restore your pet’s health.
  5. QuantumVET repeatedly uploads these master programs to your pet over a 5 day period.

The best part is that you can’t overdose, meaning that you can download as many PAKs as you want!

Cats require 12 doses every 30 days of treatment (or every five days); dogs require 18 doses.

And here’s an important warning: “When dosing you must be directly touching the animal prior to, and during, clicking the ‘unlock and launch portal’ button and remain in contact with the animal until you are informed the upload dosing is ‘completed.’ ” God only knows what happens if the download is interrupted mid-stream.

We’re reasonably sure that no government or other medical agency has given the thumbs-up to the claims of this new-age technology. In fact, we’re pretty confident  that ET’s claims have not been verified by any reputable third party.  

But one thing is definitely true: If you’re looking for the weirdest product to be displayed at CES next week, the QuantumVET Tricorder has got to be at the top of your list.