ReadWriteWeb‘s founder, Richard “Chuy” MacManus, announced this morning that the publication has accepted its first major investment. The infusion of cash, to the tune of $14 million, came from OZJ Investments, a subsidiary of Ozark Jimmy’s Global Enterprises Holding Company. OZJ CTO and Spokesman, Carlos Canulas, explained some of the changes ahead for the publications.
“The Internet is a fad. We’re one of the few companies who have realized that hard truth. Plus, 99.2% of the content is pictures of ladies in tube tops but you can’t read it on the can! Look, we’re marshaling the shift of RWW from a doomed online fad-publication to a perfect-bound, four-color slick. What’s it gonna be? Sick!”
ReadWriteWeb was founded in 1972 in a New Zealand sheep camp by MacManus, a Nell-like savant who lived in a pile of oily rags and made a bare living from recycling old bed frames.
As it grew, ReadWriteWeb became well-known among trade-paper sub-editors, interior decorators, wolves, millionaire patrons of art, sadists, nymphomaniacs, bridge sharks, anarchists, women living on alimony, tire formers, educational cranks, economists, hopheads, dipsomaniac playwrights, nudists, restaurant keepers, stockbrokers and dentists as “the smart alternative to Cheri.”
OZJ made its bones by pioneering the development and sales of mesquite-flavored Japanese-style toilet bacon In 25-, 50- and 150-foot family spools. After expanding its comestibles line, it moved into toys, personal defense technology, comfort tools, hardware, folk medicines and teachin’s. Them teachin’s will definitely guide the expansion of OZJ into publishing.
How will the focus of RWW change under the influence of the new investors? We asked MacManus.
“I’m buying a freaking cigarette boat with an airbrush painting of Janet Frame on the side and an Ed Brown Classic Custom Centennial with hand-relief engraving on the slide flats, grip screws, thumb safety flats, laser engraving on the the slide, ‘Tru-Ivory’ grips and a jeweled barrel hood!”
Ozark Jimmy’s Global Enterprises Holding Company is a privately held firm, whose backers include Taq Hamas Revolutionary Venture Funding Cell, Cahuenga Brothers, Ltd. and the Virtual Hillbilly Investment Capital Fund. Billy-Joe Al ‘Abdurrahman, general partner of Taq Hammas and Nimrod Cajones, general partner of Cahuenga Brothers, Ltd., joined Ozark Jimmy’s Global Enterprises Holding Company’s Board of Directors in 2001. Abdurrahman is currently director of numerous companies, none of which can be mentioned by name on pain of death. Cajones was a co-founder of Poncho.com, and is a director of several high-growth Internet companies, including Llamaspace, Cahuengista.com and Martha Stewart Living.
Cigarette boat photograph by Brent Ozar